It’s Always Been

A Stories From The Jukebox Story

A Barguys Story # 27

Prompt by Bill Ferguson for: Stories from the Jukebox

Based on: Constant Craving by K.D. Lang

Written by K.D. Lang and Ben Mink

Constant Craving lyrics © Universal-Polygram Intl Pub, on behalf of Bumstead Publishing and Zavion Enterprises, Inc.

Photo by: R.D. Smith (@rd421) | Unsplash Photo Community

Jane sat staring into the fire, fixating on the white embers that had flames dancing and singing around them. There was a feeling of calmness moving its way across her mind. “I can do this,” she murmured softly in a rhythmic pattern suggested by the flames.

Earlier in the day the bartender had regarded Jane as she sat in the bar looking at the glass of wine in front of her. She had not touched the wine. She had been sitting there for an hour. Not really moving. Not saying anything. Her eyes were focused with intense determination. The bartender nudged Jeanette, the other bartender. Jeanette stepped forward.

“Would you like some food with your drink?” she inquired.

Jane was startled out of her thoughts. “No thank you,” she replied.

“Everything ok?” Jeanette asked.

Jane smiled a little smile. “Have you ever had a time in your life where the things you knew and the things you wished you knew about crashed into each other?”

Jeanette shook her head. “I’m not really sure what you are saying.“

Jane reached out and picked up her wine glass. She took the first sip and set the glass back down. “That is quite good,” she stated, looking at it in wonder. Her thoughts drifted back to what was on her mind. “Everything has a beginning and an ending. And everything is influenced by the choices you make.”

“I’m with you so far,” replied Jeanette.

“And if you knew more, if you had more information, you would make different choices.”

“I suppose so,” said Jeanette. “For every outcome there are many other possibilities depending on your choices. That makes sense.”

“I want to know all the choices before I make a decision.”

“I think we all do.”

“But those choices change once we make a decision.”

“Hindsight is always 20 - 20.”

“I don’t want hindsight. I want absolute knowledge, the information to make fully determined decisions.”

Jeanette smiled thoughtfully. “We are all pulled towards the truth. But it always takes time to discover the truth. It is like a mystery. Until we need to see it, that information stays hidden. We have to push our mind to find it.”

“I see that,” responded Jane eagerly. “The desire is there but the moments that are needed means that we must wade through the shitty parts to find it.” She sat back in wonder.

Jeanette watched, a bit wary as Jane continued.

“We are all something in each moment. Our emotions, our words, our understandings, all influence how we see things,” Jane said in wonderment. “We spend our time trying to understand.” She paused to reflect some more. “We think. We wonder. We constantly crave something more, something deeper, something more insightful and meaningful. Our minds move towards interpreting based on our experiences and insights.”

“We are moving towards it every time we speak, think, consider, ponder or experience,” said Jeanette following the logic of the moment. “Do you wish to discuss what brought all this on?”

Jane continued. “We can’t expect that the past will be the future. We can’t wish for things to be the same. Growth suggests something else. We are constantly moving forward. We are all vulnerable. We all have things that concern us.”

Jeanette smiled. “How is this helping you?”

“Sometimes you are put on the spot and have to answer right now. Your boss is looking for an answer. Your boyfriend doesn’t like your response to his question. I want to give the best answer possible. Everytime.”

“Yes, we all do. But at the moment those responses are just a fragment of our understanding.”

“I see that,” said Jane. As she was lost in thoughts, a song started playing in the bar.

Even through the darkest phase
Be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave
Here beneath my skin

Jane hummed along to the song. Jeanette wandered down the bar refilling the monogrammed mugs of her regular customers.

“I see what you are doing there,” said John.

“What am I doing?”

George piped up. “Just being you.”

“Like you helped Denyce out a few weeks ago,” said John.

“You guys are crazy. I am just having a conversation.“

John smiled. “You aced the bartender’s school.”

Jeanette ignored him and walked back down the bar stopping in front of Jane.

Jane was still looking at her wine glass. Jeanette thought that maybe having a fixation point was helping Jane in this case.

Jane stated in a clear voice. “We all want more and in time we shall have it. I suppose it is much like childhood. Our desire for more than what we have never really leaves us. We just accept that somehow it will all work out for the best.” Jane looked at Jeanette. “You must be wondering what brought all this on.”

“I enjoyed the discussion. I can see it helped you. Let me guess, a bad day at work. A break up. A desire to want more. I don’t think I need more than that.”

Jane hopped down from her barstool and placed some money on the bar. “Thank you for listening.” She walked to the door.

“Interesting conversation.”

Jeanette looked over. “Hi Denyce. How long have you been here?”

“Long enough to know that you were working your magic again.”

“Indubitably,” added Joel to much laughter. His favourite word always punctuated the conversations at the bar.

Jane sat staring into the fire, fixating on the white embers that had flames dancing and singing around them. There was a feeling of calmness moving its way across her mind. “Everything is going to be alright,” she murmured softly in a rhythmic pattern suggested by the flames.

Maybe a great magnet pulls
All souls towards truth
Or maybe it is life itself
Feeds wisdom
To its youth

“Constant Craving,” Jane mused. “Not a bad way to go through life.” She added another log to the fire and then settled back, sipping her wine on a cool summer night.

Craving
Ah ha
Constant Craving
Has always been